How to ruin (your taste buds for store-bought) mayonnaise forever

I was never been a big mayo-eater growing up, preferring to dress my sandwiches with creamy peppercorn salad dressing (I was weird). In fact, it wouldn’t be far from the truth to say I actively disliked mayo both in texture and taste. It just seemed so unnatural. I recognized the ingredients, understood the gist of its creation, and yet how could something yellow and something transparent form that opaque, white-ish goop.

Let me tell you, I have witnessed magic. And it was delicious. 



Now that I’m doing the paleo thing and have been relying heavily on cheap protein like canned tuna, hard-boiled eggs and chicken breast, and I’ve definitely gained an appreciation for mayonnaise as a binding/moistening agent. Unfortunately, as mayo is not exactly paleo (fricking soybean oil), I’ve been trying to limit my consumption.  Well not any longer! Feel free to make yourself sick on this recipe. Just not too sick (I’m lookin’ at you Salmonella). As an added bonus, this stuff tastes SO MUCH BETTER than the store-bought garbage. I ate in on carrots like it was hummus. Then I made broccoli salad for the next Primal Meetup.

How to make mayonnaise.

Dahling, ya gorgeous!

I changed a few things from this recipe. First, I pasteurized the eggs. After mixing together the yolks, water, vinegar, and lemon juice, I put the bowl in the microwave with a tight-fitting lid and nuked them on high. The instructions I found said to do it for eight seconds after the level rises, but I just did it until the lid popped off. I removed the bowl and stirred vigorously until the mixture was smooth. Then I nuked it again until the lid popped off and stirred it again (with a clean fork). It seriously smelled like lemon custard at this point, and it had the consistency of pudding. NGL, I wanted to eat it.

The other change was adding ½ teaspoon of ground mustard instead of cayenne and using light-tasting olive oil instead of vegetable oil. Somehow I was able to muster up the patience to literally add the oil one teaspoon at a time. It’s worth it though, trust me. This shit is G-O-O-D, even on its own. It’s better in this recipe though:

Bacon-y Broccoli Salad

adapted from here.

• 36 oz broccoli florets 
• 1 medium red onion
• 2/3 cup raisins
• 2/3 cup blanched, slivered almonds
• 6 slices of bacon
• 1 ½ cups homemade  (or store-bought, if you want to be like that) mayonnaise
• 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• Sea salt

1. Blanch broccoli, drain, and cool in ice bath or with cold water. Drain/dry well.
2. Dice red onion and sprinkle with sea salt. Put in a large bowl.
3. Add mayonnaise and balsamic to bowl and mix well.
4. Add broccoli and mix well.
5. Cook bacon on stove or in over until well done (you want it to be easily crumbled).
6. Optional, but recommended: toast slivered almonds in bacon fat.
7. Add crumbled bacon, almonds, and raisins to salad and mix well.
8. Try not to eat it all immediately; it’s way more delicious if it sits in the fridge for a while.